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I am still a Mama


Mesti baby angel Aqeel tahu yang Mama nya tengah ingat kepadanya. Tidak ada sedetik saat pun Mama tidak ingat dengan baby Mama. I don't care what everyone thinks. I am still a mom. A mom to an Angel. I have my stretch marks on my belly. This will always remind me that I am a mother.

My pregnancy with Aqeel is like any newly wed bliss. After only 3 months of our marriage, we have discovered that we are pregnant. Atleast I am. This is the best thing that can happen to us after our marriage. My husband and I look forward to welcome our little baby to this world. I wished that we are not that loud about our first pregnancy. But who are not excited on experiencing this special moment?

My pregnancy is also a bliss. Maybe baby tak mahu susahkan Mama nya. Minimum morning sickness. Sometimes I don't feel pregnancy at all. But kesian my hubby, dia yang selalu datang demam and muntah2. And menjelang bulan puasa, I can fast all month. Alhamdullilah, diberi kesempatan untuk merasa puasa penuh.

When my bump gets bigger, I can't be more happy. I officially feel and look pregnant. And when baby starts to move, I just overfilled with joy. It become my routine to play with my baby every night since he is more active when I'm resting at night. Oh, how I miss that feeling.

Everything went well until the one week before my due. Tiba-tiba sakit gigi geraham yang teramat sangat. I can't even eat. We went to the the dentist and the dentist tak benarkan untuk cabut gigi yang sakit tu. Dia hanya tampung gigi tu dan cakap kalau masih sakit selepas bersalin (since due hanya beberapa hari lagi), boleh datang dan cabut gigi tu.

Tapi malangnya, sebab sakit gigi teramat sangat. On Thursday night, I got high fever. I feel very-very awful. I just ate one tablet of panadol and went to sleep really early. Maybe masa tu baby dah start lemah. Tapi his movement is still active. So on Friday, amik MC sebab masih demam. I feel a lot better after enough rest. I went to Klinik Astana and requested an ultrasound. But the doctor said that I just have an ultrasound a month ago, and tak payah nak buat ultrasound lagi. Kalau I insist juga untuk buat ultrasound masa tu, can we detect anything wrong at that time?

On the weekend, I feel OK. We are busy with Nipah's akad nikah and wedding. I am super excited to see one of my best friend get married and another best friend become her bridesmaid.

But on Monday, the darkest day of my life, I start to have irregular contractions. My baby still move actively. My husband did play with him as he responded when we poke him. I wished that I just admit myself to the hospital in the morning. Maybe Aqeel will still be here with us. But no, I don't know. Semuanya kan ketentuan yang Esa. Nothing we do can change the fact that my baby is not with us anymore.

Yang selebihnya, my experience is in my other post.

Tetapi hati ibu mana yang tidak luluh, merasa sakit melahirkan, mengharapkan bayi yang dilahirkan dengan ajaib nya menangis dan semua nya tidak benar. Mendengar ibu di bilik bersalin di sebelah melahirkan dan mendengar bunyi bayinya menangis. Berjalan di maternity wad, melihat ibu-ibu yang bersalin dengan bayi masing-masing. Dan discaj daripada hospital tanpa seorang bayi di tangan.

Sometimes, I feel movements in my belly and remind myself that I no longer pregnant. Hari ni genap la 2 minggu baby tiada. Al-fatihah kepada putera ku. Mama really loves you. Terima kasih kepada my baby angel sebab dengan pengalaman ini, Mama rasa lebih dekat dengan Allah.

Alhamdullilah I have my loving husband di sisi. I can't imagine being with other person as my life partner. He's my soulmate. Thanks abg for being so loving, compassionate, patient and being so strong for me. I know that my husband is hurting too but seeing him so strong for me, making me gather myself to be strong for him. Allah has picked us to endure this test together and I hope this experience will make both of us stronger and be a better person.

This is the last picture we have with baby angel inside me.

Love you baby angel, Abang Aqeel.


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  1. Stay strong mel..he is with Him

  2. be strong kak mel..........klak2 dpt baby gik.....;-)

  3. u ll always a mama, dear.. a great one

  4. the way u stated it ... i really feel what u felt ... i wish i am there to be there with u at least ... i wont ask u to be strong or whatever as u r the one who being there and experienced the pain ... what i can say is the hope that u can get enough sleep and to awake without guilt and fresh ...

  5. Thanks my dear friends..

    Dee: I hope time heals. This is like a bad dream

  6. sabar jak...sedih mek baca.....mek tauk perasaan tak...even anak kmk kenak ambik darah gik mek nanggis masa kita jumpa d klinik....xsangka xpa....semuanya ketentuanNYA...

  7. sedih tapi kagum after reading ur stories..i used to hv a feeling that my baby is still moving in my womb while he is already resting peacefully in heaven for two weeks..i have to berbengkung ketat2 to get rid of that feeling...insyaAllah, rezeki kita hanya Allah yang tauk...mcm nabi zakaria a.s n his wife , nya dpt zuriat at a very old age..Hanya Allah yang mengetahui.. :)


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