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The memories of my Angel will always remain in my heart

This is maybe one of the ways for me to grief my baby angel.

It was Valentine’s Day. Today was my due date according to my early ultrasound and my Estimated Due Date was on 18 February 2011. Since the night before I was having mild contractions that I suspected as Braxton Higgs. But somehow deep in my heart I know that I will admit myself to the hospital the on next day.

In the morning, the contractions disappeared. I remembered that I was told to ensure my contractions to be regular and stronger before going to the hospital. So my husband and I decided to wait a bit before going to the hospital. Can everything be different if I went to the hospital much earlier?

So I relaxed at home and went to lunch with my husband. At 2 pm I have an appointment with Klinik Ibu dan Anak Malaysia Jaya. This is actually my last appointment day since I am already 39 weeks pregnant. At first I decided not to go, but at 3 o’clock I decided to get myself checked before admitting myself to the hospital. I still don’t have any strong contractions by then.

So I went to the clinic and waited for my turn until 4 o’clock. And this is when my nightmare starts..

They checked my blood pressure, the regular Q&A and lastly to check my baby’s heartbeat. At first the nurse used the manual equipment to find my baby’s heartbeat. She can’t find my baby’s heartbeat. Then she used the equipment with the battery and still confused on finding my baby’s heartbeat. And the most heartbreaking moment is when she called another nurse and the other nurse said “Baby macam tak respond pun”.

At that moment, I was already crying non-stop and the nurses asked me to rush myself to the hospital. This can’t be happening. They are all wrong. I called my husband to pick me up and rush home to get my hospital bag. Reached home, I vomited all over myself and have to take a shower. On the way to the hospital, I called up Mr. Lee, one of the PTD at Hospital Umum Sarawak to direct me to a specialist.

At the hospital, Mr. Lee, Puan Priscilla and Puan Masni together with my husband and my mum accompany me to Level 4, the Labour Room. The Medical Officers (MO) quickly checked my baby heartbeat and said they have found my baby’s heartbeat and not to worry. (but now they must mistaken my heartbeat as my baby’s heartbeat). The specialist came to double check and brings in the ultrasound machine. After a few minutes after, (I can see my baby is not moving at all), the specialist showed us our baby’s heart and said “Ini jantung baby, dan dia tak berdegup, maknanya baby dah meninggal dalam kandungan”.

I heard my husband beristighfar, and well my world is upside down. I cannot describe my condition. This is the worst thing that happened to me. What went wrong? Is it my fault? How can I not notice that my baby is having problem? What if we went to the hospital much earlier? In the morning my baby still moves actively. Why all these happening to us? However, I can have all the questions in the world by my baby, Aqeel is not here with us anymore. He is now in heaven, smiling back at his mama and papa.

Both of us cried and my husband trying his very best to keep me calm and accepting the fact. After both of us are ready, the specialist and MO explained to me the alternatives on managing the situation.

1) I can get myself induced to start labour contraction and give a normal vaginal birth. But the specialist explained that it might not work as they can only induce me with 4 pills in 2 days time. If it does not work, I might go home and rest and come back to the hospital and try again.

2) Go home and rest for couple of days (maybe 2 weeks) till normal labour pain comes and give normal vaginal birth.

OMG! My baby is already gone and they expect me to carry him in my womb for another week? I think I will go crazy if this happens. And my husband made a quick decision asking them to induce me as soon as possible. They said that they will induce me the next day and let me rest for the night. Fortunately they gave me a single room and my husband can stay there and accompany me. I cannot imagine if I am all alone facing this.

Thank God it is Malidur Rasul holiday since office people are not working. So my office staffs including the Hospital staffs can’t go visit me. I cannot face anyone at this time. I can’t even reply any calls or sms. I got myself induced at around 9 a.m. The MO checked me and said that actually I have dilated 2 cm. To cut things short, I’m having strong contractions since 7 pm. Around midnight I cannot stand the pain anymore and ask them whether they can send me to the labour ward and give me epidural or any medicine for the pain. They decided to send me down and at that time my water broke.

I asked for my husband to be with me during labour. They nearly refused me as my case is a stillbirth but I really begged them. I cannot go through this alone. Luckily at last they let me husband accompany me. My contractions are very close now and the nurse said that if I have the urge to push, just push. Maybe they don’t have any concern since my baby is already gone. When I said that I cannot stand it anymore and the doctor and nurse is ready for my labour, with my husband’s guidance, and with 2 hard and long push, my baby angel born sleeping at 12.54 a.m on 16th February 2011. To make things worst, the doctor and nurse said, “Oh sayangnya, cukup sifat baby ni”. The doctor did tell my husband that the cord is around baby angel’s neck. Oh kasehnya my baby angel. Ironically, baby angel’s birthday is the same birthday date with my youngest sister, Anum Khadijah. I will never forget his birthday as that date is the most heartbreaking day ever in my life.

My husband did not let me see my baby. He’s afraid that maybe I will be more devastated and cannot get his face off my mind and I will never recover from it. I just followed what he said. The rest is history, some stitches and I went back to my room and slept the whole night since I cannot sleep yesterday.

In the morning, the hospital staffs and my staffs visited me. I can’t talk much and just can smile a bit. My mother, my husband and my uncles are busy with the arrangements for my baby angel. I was discharged around noon. Alhamdulilah, my baby angel selamat dimandikan, dikhafankan, disolat and dikebumikan after solat Zohor on the day itself.

Thank you to family and friends who visited me, gave my words of support, called and sms me, replied my status and wrote on my wall at Facebook. I am very sorry if I did not answer your calls, but I know everyone understands.

To my baby angel, Aqeel. Mama loves you so much. You have given me and papa so much happiness for the 39 weeks and 3 days we’ve been together. Mama never thought that this will happen to us but mama redha with all the things that have happened. You are loved even before you are born. Mama can’t wait to visit you after mama habis pantang. Mama hopes that my tears will lessen soon as I know that you are happy and well taken care at where you are my darling. My heart feels so heavy right now but I hope that time will heal. Love you Abang Aqeel bin Abang Adha, my prince.

I will always be Mama Aqeel


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  1. HI Mel...

    Just knew about it...Be strong mel...ada hikmah di sebalik semua tok..*hugs*


  2. Salam kenal... kisah mel sama dgn kisah saya pd 28 Julai 2008 lalu cm bb 37 weeks mase tu! saya faham,sgt sedihkan... tabahkan hati k!!!

  3. akum mel..saya juga patient iud's mom di SGH.. both my twin baby boy passed away masa 35mggu..supposed ceaser pd 36week..lg 1mggu je nak due..sama mcm mel, everything was ok..both twin sama besar & sihat masa scan a week before iud ( last scan 1.9kg both )...but last minute tranfusion twin to twin.. frust sgt sbb dlm 1mggu je this nightmare happen.. ( twin 1 : 2.5kg & twin 2 : 2kg )..tarikh lahir 5/7/11.. sama dgn tarikh anniversary kami yg ke Allah dah ambil semula present yg kami, i'm truly understand how sad you are..dan saya faham sakitnya rasa kematian redha adalah pengubatnya..Abu Bakar r.a ada b'pesan, dekatilah mati, nescaya ia akan memberi kamu hopefully both of us akan nampak hikmah disebalik ujian ini...

  4. Ya Allah, tak perasan komen Puan. Innalillahwa innallilahirajiun.

    Memang sangat sakit kematian anak, tapi kita telah terpilih untuk menghadapinya, kerana tentu Allah tahu yang kita boleh tabah mengharungi semua ini.

    Moga-moga Puan tabah atas ujian ini. Kalau nak contact Mel, boleh email k at

  5. Nasib kite sama, my baby iud on 17/4/2011, first baby since we are waiting for 2 years..Baby infection dgn demam dan jangkitan pada baby brain..

  6. Askum MEL, name saye dira. dira tersentuh bace blog mel. takziah utk mel n fmly. sebenarnye dira pun mengalami experience mcm mel. 25th feb 2011 pukul 1.05am anak sulong dira pun meninggal dalam perut 33 minggu disebabkan dira ade high blood pressure. mmg sedih sgt2 mase tu. Allah jela yg tau ape dira rase.Sedih sgt smpi mula2 susah sgt nk accept tp Alhamdulillah hubby, fmly n kwn2 sgt supportive. bile dira bace blog mel rase tsentuh sgt n terfikir bukan dira sorang je kehilangan anak. Anak mmg anugerah dariNYA yg sgt berharga. tp Allah lebih sygkan anak kite n anak kite anak yang terpilih & bertuah sbb terus dpt masuk syurga. anak kite tggu kite kt sane n InsyaAllah satu hari kite dpt jmp die.Just nk share name anak dira Muhammad Aaqil-Zya bin Muhammad Ariff-Zya. name anak mel same dgn anak dira... :) Alhamdulillah jugak lps 4 bulan bersalin dira mengandung anak ke-2 & nama anak ke-2 dira Muhammad Aadil-Zya bin Muhammad Ariff-Zya. dah nk masuk 7 bulan dah my baby Aadil-Zya. Alhamdulillah Syukur... Allah Maha Penyayang.. DIA uji dira dgn amik anak sulong dira Muhammad Aaqil-Zya tapi DIA bagi lagi Muhammad Aadil-Zya. Dira bsyukur sgt2 masih di beri peluang utk menjadi seorang ibu di dunia ni seperti ibu-ibu lain. Syukur Alhamdulillah... dira doakan Mel juga akan dapat menjadi ibu kepada adik ABANG AQEEL nnt...InsyaAllah AMIN....


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